About a month or so ago I had a really close friend tell me some encouraging words. Actually she was more like calling me out on something that was far from godly, something that I have always struggled with. I stole someone words, trying to pitch them as my own. Ashamed and embarrassed and knowing she was right I let her kind confrontation wash over me like a warm rain.
WHY FIGHT IT? WHY DEFEND WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE WRONG?
You see, I have always loved words. Words, like photos, have always moved me to deep emotions. Stories, songs, poems, speeches, spoken word, even car commercials stir emotion in me which make my eyes well with gentle tears. The only problem is those are words from other people. I put high value onto other peoples eloquently delivered words. My own words, I definitely don’t value as much. I say to myself, “Her words are the words I want to say. I have nothing of value to add to this conversation about ____.” What’s my greatest downfall? Insecurity.
I don’t know if its from previous hurts, people not listening to me or receiving a less than desirable grade on an essay that I poured my creative heart and soul into as a student… I can’t point you to the beginning of it. It has snowballed over time. Honestly, it has to be a combination of all the above and all I can tell you is that I have been walking through life valuing other people’s opinions and words more than what I have to say.
I fear my words being misunderstood or devalued.
I fear my emotions getting in the way of what I was trying to say.
I fear saying the wrong word at the wrong time.
I fear my tone when I have something to ask.
What do people want to hear? What content or photos or whatever is going to be the most engaging? I’m kind of over it. Over the pressure of having to conform into some content machine just to get more likes and more followers. It can get really overwhelming, don’t you think? Always being affect of what others think. I refuse to become a slave to that! There is no reason other than the devil to be a thorn in my dang side for me to succumb to his not so new ways of scheming.
Don’t look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me
-Bethel Music, Come to Me
That lyric written by Bethel Music is taken straight from the Proverbs 4:27 referencing how our hearts and gaze should always be upon Jesus. Turning our foot from evil is an active verb. Its not something that happens naturally or by happen stance. It is an intentional action that might not and probably will not be easy to accomplish. It is an action that we cannot do by sheer human will alone.
Do not turn to the right nor to the left; Turn your foot from evil.
– Proverbs 4:27
Well, I’m so done with striving to get approval from man. I’m so done with being insecure about my words being heard or criticized against. There is a God he wrote the most amazing story ever, one of great romance and treachery and deception! And if God created me in his glorious image then well, that story is inside me and it’s time I speak it… heck with that, it’s time I shout it!